Tim Lantz
March 5, 2008

John Milton

after Loren Goodman, with apologies to Scott Elledge

1608Born in London (4:13 a.m.).
1620Enters St. Paul's School, can't see from the back.
1625Assists his mother, a librarian.
1629Graduates BA, founds Jamestown in northern Massachusetts.
1632Graduates MA, begins six-year apprenticeship as a son.
1633–37Writes a letter urging the Church of England to move services to Sundays so that he can get more work done on Saturdays.
1637Declines an invitation to dine because of the fear that his feet will stink when he removes his shoes.
1638Picks his toes.
1639Worries somebody in the stall can hear him, pretends to wash his hands before eating.
1640Settles into a house of his own; writes 219-line ode, in Latin, praising the easiness of preparing cereal.
1642Publishes five tracts urging the Church of England to reduce its tyrannical power; marries Mary Powell, who leaves two months later.
1643–45Publishes three tracts urging that divorce on grounds of incompatibility be allowed.
1644Begins teaching Narrative Pithology in Room 301.
1645Receives student evaluations complaining that he uses his hands too much when teaching, spends six and a half months inventing pockets.
1646Assists his mother, a librarian.
1648Fails to pay the electricity bill.
1649Executes Charles I, is appointed king at an annual salary of £248 14s 4½d, moves to an apartment in Whitehall, fucks pope.
1650Receives complaints from his neighbors that they can hear his moaning; establishes the Commonwealth, thus freeing England from Spain.
1651Becomes totally blind, complains of constipation.
1652Assists his mother, a librarian.
1654Falls over a footstool that a guest has moved.
1657Invents movable type, becomes congested.
1658Learns to read.
1659Pays rent.
1660Begins Paradise Lost (4:13 a.m.).
1665Discovers the cure for the Great Plague in London, enunciates clearly.
1667Publishes Paradise Lost, in ten books, with help from Mary Simmons.
1669Assists his mother, a librarian.
1674Dies carrying the expanded second edition of Paradise Lost, now in thirty books; is buried in St. Giles, Cripplegate.